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These are funny. You VIL LAFF AT ZEM!!!!!
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked
in a sauna.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm
and the beep stopped.
The other men looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager" the American said.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished his conversation, he explained:
"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech,
but was determined not to be outdone.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his
backside.
The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced
around and said:
"Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"
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Do the dishes |
Paddy and Murphy |
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he
comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even
better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he
kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is
outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his
girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they
ride the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him
and says, "I have to tell you something about my family
before we go in.
When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the
middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen
is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure
enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take
advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says
a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a
word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and has sex with her right there, in front of her parents. His
girlfriend is
a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her
mum. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her
over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there
on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,
but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right,
that's enough, I'll do the frigging dishes!"
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Paddy and Murphy are at the morgue to identify the body of their best mate Seamus.
The mortician asks Paddy..."are you ready?"
"Yes sir i am ready" replies Paddy...
The mortician pulls back the sheet and Paddy takes a good look at the face.
"Hmm" he says with a confused look on his face.."could you please flip the body over please?" he asks the Mortician.
"Er, yeah ok" says the mortician looking a little puzzled. He flips the body over and Paddy parts the buttocks.
"Nah, that's not Seamus" he says before turning around and walking back over to Murphy.
"Ok then" says the Mortician flipping the body back face up and places the cover back over.
"Right then Murphy", says the mortician..."Are you ready to identify the body?".
"I sure am sir, ready as I'll ever be" replies Murphy.
He walks over, the mortician pulls the cover off the face and Murphy takes a look.
"Hmm" he says with a confused look on his face.."could you please flip the body over please?" he asks the Mortician.
"Er, yeah ok" says the mortician looking a little puzzled. He flips the body over and Murphy parts the buttocks.
"Nah, that's not Seamus" he says before turning around and walking back over to Paddy.
"Ok then" says the Mortician flipping the body back face up and places the cover back over.
"But tell me something", says the mortician..."How do you know its not Seamus by parting his buttocks?"
"Well", says Paddy..."Seamus had two arseholes"....
The mortician looks really bewildered and asks "How the hell do you know that?".
"Well" says Murphy, "When we went into the local village with him, the folks used to say, oh no, here comes Seamus with them two arseholes"!!
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Chat up Line |
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said. |
Shipwrecked Welshman |
Ghost |
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible Shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking round he realised they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there for a while he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions down to the beach each evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle. A perfect night for romance.
As they sat there the sheep started to look better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep. The sheepdog, being ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until the man took his arm away from the sheep. After that the 3 of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed and lo and behold there was another shipwreck. This time the only survivor was a beautiful young woman. The most beautiful woman you have ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when the welshman rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough he introduced her to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds and a warm gentle breeze. The perfect evening for romance. Pretty soon the welshman started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges for as long as he could but finally he gave in, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear............
Would you mind taking the Dog for a walk |
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.
After a couple of minutes, the face of an old man appeared at the passenger window and
they heard light tapping.
The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. I can see the ghost of an old man!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. Trembling, the passenger
rolled his window down part way and whispered, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette
and rolled up the window. "Step on it," he yelled to the driver in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what
happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger gasped. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.
The passenger threw a lighter out the window and turned to the driver. "Step on it!"
The engine was screaming as the speedo hit 110 miles an hour. They were trying to forget
what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh no! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror,
"WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You need some help getting out of the mud?" |
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